


In the Dark

by softdaisyships



Series: In the Dark [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: After The Angels Fall, Confused Castiel, Confusion, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, Graceless Castiel, Homophobic John Winchester, Human Castiel, Kevin is alive, M/M, Mild Smut, No Ezekiel | Gadreel, SPN - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, homophobic Dean, maybe more later - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-11
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 00:03:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2752124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softdaisyships/pseuds/softdaisyships
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel loses his Grace in the fall and comes to learn that there is so much more to being a human than he thought. He faces issues with his identity as well as his true feelings for Dean. Crashing though humanity, Castiel questions the tides of emotions and human senses as he and Dean stumble into each other's purely human forms.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fall

They call me Cas. It’s the shortened version of my name, Castiel, and is a nickname of sorts. I suppose. Dean was the first to use it, in his deep, angry voice, that either meant he was scared or hurt. Sam soon followed and eventually everyone else seemed to have caught on.  Except Meg. She called me Clarence, and I still don’t understand why. Besides that, I am Castiel. But it’s okay that they call me Cas. I believe it’s meant with love.

It’s been about a year since I let the Angels fall. And we’ve spent most of that time in the bunker hiding, hoping that they would settle to life here on Earth like I have.Though some did, many did not. They spend their time creating packs and fighting against us in belief that I fell the Angels for evil. Only a few have listened to reason and we have had to kill hundreds of Angels to find safety in our bunker. It has been a long time here, but it hasn’t all been bad. I remember the first day I was here as a human, the first time I had to survive without my Grace.

 

January 12, 2013 -

“Cas, you awake? I made breakfast.” Dean’s voice rattled through the door to my room. “Cas, buddy, you up?” a knock and then the door opened slowly. “Hey Cas,” his voice softer, “hey, how you holdin’ up?” My eyes were heavy and my back was on fire, but I sit up and held the blanket to block my bare chest. Why am I so nervous? He sits at the edge of my bed.

“Sleeping is,” tiring, exhausting, strange, scary, I think to myself, but out loud I say, “extraordinary. I will never get used to it. It’s such a process, don’t you agree, Dean?” And I see it all as it’s happening; his cheeks burn, his pupils dilate quickly, and his eyelashes flutter.

“You’re human now, Cas.” Is all he says, and I nod not knowing what else to say, wishing I could keep this conversation going. He stands up and walks out the door saying, “theres breakfast out here if you want some, considering you need to eat now.” I let the blankets down and sigh, leaning against the pillow on my headboard. I see green eyes and I hear his voice saying my name in my head. Cas. Castiel. He stopped calling me Castiel once he started to trust me. I could feel it with my Grace. The trust inside him knotted into oblivion but he still managed to find faith in me. He let himself trust an Angel when so many had done him wrong. Even when I faltered with good and evil, he was there. Cas, he started to call me. In distress, in joy, in fear. The name Cas stuck like a thorn in his mind and shot like an arrow off his tongue.

I slipped out of my sheets and into one of Dean’s old blue shirts that he says he doesn’t need anymore. I haven’t gotten used to changing clothes so Dean is letting me borrow his until we go shopping for my own. I walked out of my room and I could smell the breakfast Dean had mentioned. I’ve decided that food is one of the positive traits human’s have. “Hey, Cas, did you sleep okay? First night in the bunker.” Sam asks with large brown eyes filled with genuine concern.

“I slept well Sam. How about you? How are you doing?”

“I’m doing okay. Better, you know? I really feel like.. like I can actually be happy and heal. And I’m glad you’re safe.”

“Thank you, Sam. Is Dean in the kitchen?”

“Uh yeah, actually, he said something about fixing you a plate.” I thank him and turn to walk into the kitchen, the smell of breakfast and Dean’s shampoo filling the hall. Why do I notice that? I shake it off and push the door open to find him making my plate.

“Hey, you’re up! This is for you, actually.” He smiles and hands me my plate but doesn’t let go of his end when I grab it.

“Thank you, Dean. How kind of you to think of me.” And he smiled again, his green eyes looking right into my eyes and he falters with a ‘you’re welcome’ and we’re holding onto this plate together and my hands are starting to sweat. Are humans always this sweaty? Do they always get so nervous around each other? But I couldn’t tell if Dean was feeling the same way. I could only feel embarrassed that my heart had started beating so quickly. “Do you feel it, Dean?” Confusion fills his face and he lets go of the plate.

“Feel what?”

“My heart is, uh, beating rather quickly.” I stammer. “Do all humans sweat so much?”

“Are you nervous, Cas?” he seemed to be joking. His smile growing wider and his eyes nearly glowing now, no longer confused.

“It is a human emotion, so yes, I must be, uh, nervous.” And his eyes trace my face and he licks his lips and I can tell he’s done this before, practiced it. All I do is blink and I’m frozen.

“Am I making you nervous, Castiel?” His hand lifts back up and traces my jawline and his eyes are getting darker.

“Dean…” I stutter and breathe deep, the corners of his mouth flaring up into a smile.

“Cas-” He starts to say before Kevin busts through the door.

“Hey, guys, I think I found something..” His face looks up from his book and his face grows confused. “Did.. I interrupt something?” Kevin's eyes dart back and forth between me and Dean.

But Dean is quick in responding, “No Kevin, I was just showing Cas how to pick up chicks.” His smile is nearly believable, so I nod along and avoid eye contact with the both of them, taking my food back into the dining room where Sam is busy studying. Why did Dean lie? What was he doing wrong? The voice in my brain shouted until my hands felt numb. My stomach ached for warmth and not food, but I didn’t want to waste it so I sat hoping I could gain hunger and fill my stomach. But I sat there. I rubbed my hands together and looked at Sam, who was focusing intently on his book. I wanted to talk, to break the silence but my head was buzzing so loud I couldn’t hear myself think.

“Hey, Cas, are you okay?” Kevin shuts the door behind him as he pulls up a chair diagonal from me. I didn’t notice I had fallen asleep, the air chilled and the windows black.

“How long have I been asleep?” I rub my temples. “My head is throbbing in an unpleasant way.”

Kevin smiles and hands me the glass of water in his hand and two candy looking things.

“It’s medicine, take it, and you’ve slept through the whole day. Didn’t sleep much last night, did you?” I shake my head as I struggle to take the medicine, accidentally chewing one, which makes me cringe. “Are you and Dean okay? He was acting strange after I barged in on you two in the kitchen.” Kevin asks, his eyes avoiding mine.

“Nothing is wrong between Dean and I. He was, uh, as he told you..” I stuttered unwillingly, “showing me how to pick up.. um.. chicks.” I know I looked uncomfortable because I felt it. It crept up my legs and into my ribcage. I didn’t know where I should look or how my face should feel. But thankfully Kevin understood his role and just said ‘good’ and I nodded and said ‘okay’ and he brought another water glass to my room and some bread ‘just in case’ and said ‘goodnight’.

I cuddled up beneath the covers, fidgeting with the silk lining, wondering how humans dealt with their ever-changing temperature and need to keep warm. I spend a considerable amount of time tossing and turning, struggling to find comfort in my large bed. Thinking about Dean’s eyes and the name ‘Castiel’ leaving his lips. 


	2. Remembering Castiel

_His hair was longer and his eyes were nearly brown. Golden like the sunsets back home with Gabriel by my side. I kissed my hands and blew them into the air, hoping they’d fall into his hair and down onto his cheeks. Gabriel never questioned my love for Dean Winchester. He was fond of the Winchesters and all their mischief and would blow kisses along with me on occasion. Daddy told my brother to tell me and Gabriel to watch over the Winchesters. Told us it was our mission. So we did and it never bore us. John Winchester was a fierce man with an endless love for his wife. I remember the day Mary was pinned to the ceiling with the flames that nearly burned the soul out of John’s chest. His two children witnessing true evil in the world at such a young age. John sought to protect them from the evil but seemed to lose track of a lot of the good, his formative ways pushing and pulling the brothers in ways they could never explain. They became isolated and intolerable to anyone besides each other. And so I sent out kisses to the eldest brother, Dean, in hopes that he would stay loving and caring towards his younger brother, Sam, instead of growing bitter towards him._

_And I watched. With Gabriel by my side, we watched the Winchester boys crash their way through their destiny, which neither of us had been informed of yet. But I knew as Dean grew older, I watched his soul form with each breath he took, his body taking a bold shape and his eyes fading in and out, Golden to Emerald until the green burned so deep into his irises that his eyelashes grew to cover. He blinked with a passion and his mind never strayed. He believed that protecting Sam was his entire purpose, that Sam’s life was more important than his. So he turned his back to evil to protect his younger brother. My father, did he love Sam more than anything on planet Earth and Sam loved him back just as much. But Sam had a purpose, he had a desire to stray from the evil, to settle down, to live a happy life. Dean was never happy without Sam in the picture._

_His hair was the lightest blonde and his eyes shined so deep but his soul resigned to the darkest of grays. Gray with pings of blue and waves of black and I didn’t understand until it was too late. Dean’s clocked ticked with an hour and some minutes left. Gabriel locked eyes with mine, his hands on my shoulders telling me it’s okay. It’s meant to be. Gabriel’s eyes tearing up, shushing me, blowing soft kisses to the youngest brother, avoiding my pleas._

_And I only truly realized Dean’s consequences to his actions as the Hellhound pulls him by his fingertips into the underground. My kisses shattered and his freckles started to fade one by one, and my celestial heart is pounding against my skin and I remember Gabriel holding me back, holding my hands, telling me it was against God’s Will. That I shall not leave Heaven without permission or I will be banished and that I will not take Dean Winchester out of Hell. But Dean Winchester is mine. I was chosen to watch out for him, I was created to protect him. Dean Winchester is to be saved and so I crashed through Earth’s crust and buried my wings deep into my back, I will find him. I will rescue my Dean Winchester._

January 13, 2013 -

I woke up to a dry mouth and Sam sitting at the end of my bed.

“Hey champ, are you okay?” Sam’s large brown eyes blinked at me, handing me my glass of water.

“Thank you, Sam.” I responded, grateful for the water. “I believe I’m okay.”

“Were you having a bad dream or something?” His voice softer than usual.

“I.. I think so.. more like reliving a memory, I think.” I tilted my head, thinking about what I can remember.

“You were saying something..” He blinked nervously. “Something like ‘Dean Winchester will be saved’, do you remember that?” His tall figure sitting awkwardly on the end of my bed, trying to care for me. This was my first night of real sleep, it was so strange, to dream, to be in another place yet be in my dream all the same.

“I was remembering Dean being dragged to Hell.” He nodded slowly, opening and shutting his mouth, as if he couldn’t decide if he wanted to respond.

“Uh, Cas?”

“Yes, Sam?”

“Can I ask you one more thing?” He seemed unsure.

“Yes.”  
“Do you know what you meant exactly when you said… ‘My Dean’?” It caught me off by surprise for a moment. Had I really been talking in my sleep? How much has he heard? I could feel my face heating up, and my voice waver before I finally decided on what to say.

“I was created to watch over Dean.” I leaned forward slightly, speaking quietly so no one else could possibly hear.

“What do you mean? I thought you were like.. a million years old or something?”

“Years for Angels move differently than they do for humans, I’m not much older than Dean, in human years, but in Angel years I’m older than the creation of humans. Although I’m still one of the youngest Angels...” I rambled, hoping to change the subject. Sam smiled and patted my shoulder.

“Feel better, Cas.”

“Thank you.” And I slumped back into bed, holding Dean’s shirt tight around my torso. I felt uncomfortable. Like my privacy had been invaded. I know Sam didn’t mean to hear those things, but I still felt like the bunker will be awkward. Maybe he thinks I’m dreaming about Dean for a weird reason. I hope he understands that it’s completely platonic. No romantic feelings whatsoever. Strictly my mission to God. I ran my fingers through my hair, wondering how Jimmy would have styled it. I wondered why humans feel the need to look good for eachother but then I remembered that they cannot see each other’s souls. If humans could see souls instead, the world would be a much happier, and calmer place to live it. Love would come so much more simply and life would be carefree, as God intended.

I pulled a pair of boxer briefs on, which made me extremely uncomfortable, I wish I had something smaller. Something tighter fitting. I pulled at the hems which were tight on my thighs and loose around the waist. I decided to ignore it, that I would find something much more pleasant when Dean takes me shopping. I began to pull his old ACDC shirt over my head as I realized the shoulders were much too tight. So thinking quickly, I took some scissors from the kitchen, with weird looks from Dean and me telling him that I would show him in a moment, and I cut the hem off the collar and placed the shirt back on. Much more bearable now, I thought to myself. I can get used to this clothes thing.

I turn my back onto my mirror after deciding that my hair will never sit down and I just have to deal with it being a little messy. Slowly shutting the door behind me, I sneak back into the living room where Dean is.

“Hello, Dean.” I smile and show off my collar, his face skeptical at first but quickly turning into one of his soft smiles.

“That’s cute.” He said in all seriousness and turned back to his sandwich after his eyes lingered with mine for a moment.

“Thank you, Dean. Your shirt is also.. cute.” I responded and sat next to him. “Have you found anything yet?” I feel Dean’s warmth next to me and quickly become aware of how cold I am as I start to quietly shiver.

“No, nothing on the Angel that betrayed you, and nothing on nearly anything right now. It’s almost completely silent out there.” He frowns at his sandwich and holds it up to me. “Would you like some? I’m not very hungry.”

“Thank you.” Realizing how hungry I actually am, I grab the sandwich from his hands and take a bite, closing my eyes at the taste. I’ve tried eating before, as an Angel, but food never tasted like anything but molecules. But now.. now food has an incredible variety of flavors and contrasts and temperatures.

I shiver again, in spite of feeling my stomach keel at my hunger, thrilled that I am finally filling it.

“You cold?” Dean locks his emerald eyes right into mine.

“Yeah, I think so.” I shivered again. Dean smiles at me and starts to pull off his sweater. “No, Dean it’s okay, I’ll go grab a...” I start to insist, but his sweater pulls up his shirt and his torso is revealed and my brain forgot how to function for a moment. “I uh..” I’m stuttering and he’s cursing at his sweater because his shirt won’t go down so he just pulls the entire thing off, his hair in a fluff from the struggle.

I take in his entire chest, all the freckles, his abs, the small curves in his collar bones. My brain is malfunctioning at the sight of Dean shirtless and I realised that I’ve seen him shirtless a thousand times. But I’ve never seen Dean like this. His face flustered from the fight with the sweater, to his chest heaving from stress, and his hair all in a tangle..

I breathe.

“Cas? Hey Cas?” Dean raises his eyebrows at me and frowns. “You’re still cold, right?” He jokes through the tension, handing me his sweater, and quickly throwing his shirt back over his head.

I nod, pulling the sweater over my own head, filling my lungs with Dean’s scent. “Much better.” I respond, my voice nervously breaking. I smiled at him and stood up, ready to excuse myself, but he grabs onto my hand, pulling me back onto the couch.

“Stay?” He asks, quickly letting go of my hand and taking a bite of his sandwich.

“Okay, Dean. Is there anything you want to talk about?” I smile at him relieved he didn’t find me annoying.

“Yeah so uh, Sam and I are going out of town for a couple of days.” He looked at me, his eyes connecting with mine almost at if he can feel my soul staring back into his.

“How come?” I tilt my head to the side, curious as to what might be out of town considering he just told me there’s nothing going on.

“Amelia just called Sam asking for him to meet up with her… and..” His eyes staring into the floor. “And Lisa lives nearby so we were just gonna go stop by and visit for a few days.” His voice fades out.

I nod slowly, listening to his words, taking them all in. He doesn’t want me to go because he thinks it’ll be too dangerous for me outside of the bunker. “Good for you Dean.” I smile lightly at him and touch his shoulder. “I’m glad that you’re going to go see Lisa, maybe you two can work something out.” My voice sounded distant. The air grew thin and I felt the sweater was choking me, blocking me off from a real air source.

He smiled at me, relieved and patted me on the back, standing up. “Thanks, buddy. So it’ll only be a few days, and Kevin will be here the entire time. Don’t go disappearing this time.” He demanded, his face growing stern. All I could do was nod. I nodded until he shut the door. And I sat on the floor, holding onto his sweater, thinking about Dean and Lisa falling in love. I couldn’t bear it the first time and I didn’t even care that much, but now.. Now I care.

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

 


	3. Monsters

“Stay?” I nearly whisper, dropping Cas’s hand out of embarrassment. His face soft, falling into his smile, and his blue eyes glimmering under the sunlight from the window. I grab a bite of my sandwich to hide my nerves.

“Okay, Dean.” His voice deepens. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” His smile creases and he wrinkles his nose, lightening the mood. I didn’t want to tell him but I knew I had to, I knew that I needed to see her.

“Yeah so uh, Sam and I are going out of town for a couple of days.” I tried to avoid his eyes but he was staring intently, very Cas-like, very concerned. My breath caught in my throat and I blinked to break the contact.

“How come?” His head tilting like a lost dog. Castiel. My beautiful, clueless, Castiel. I couldn’t look at him anymore, my body ached. He’s my friend.

“Amelia just called Sam, asking for him to meet up with her… and..” I choked on my words, “And Lisa lives nearby so we were just gonna go stop by and visit for a few days.”

Cas’s ocean eyes falter with mine and his head nods, slowly, his messy hair bouncing back and forth along. Until his lips are forming another soft smile and he’s talking and I could hardly make out the ‘good for you, Dean’ he stutters, his fingertips grazing my shoulder. I see his lips move again but I can’t hear the words, all I can see is his cheeks turn red and his freckles and, god damn, do I wish I could count each and every one of them.

But I shake the thought from my head, why would I think that? Cas is my best friend. He’s dorky and awkward, and just my friend. I shake my head and smile at him, standing up.

“Thanks, buddy. So it’ll only be a few days, and Kevin will be here the entire time. Don’t go disappearing this time.” He nodded in confirmation as I turned to head to my bedroom.

I falter with my steps as I reach my bedroom. Anger wells up inside my lungs, and I’m on fire, my hands are numb and I’m taking short breaths. “Get your shit together, Dean.” I monologue across my bedroom, facing the wall. I miss Lisa. I want to see her, I want to have a simple life with her. I want her voice to fall into my neck as she whispers my name. I closed my eyes trying to remember what she sounded like. But her voice intermingled with Cas’s inside my head and I don’t remember when exactly I sent my fist through my wall, my feelings welling up so deep, so heavy, until I broke.

My knuckles bled slightly as I pushed them into the sink water, the torn skin stinging in shock and my head throbbing. I shook the pain off and shook the memory of his bright blues out of my brain. “He’s my friend,” I spoke to no one, my voice struggling to rise above a whisper,“damn it.”

“Dean,” Sam’s voice rings through the door, “hey, are you okay in there?”

“Why wouldn't I be?” I stare at my bleeding knuckles.

“There was just a loud bang,” the door opens,” did you punch a wall?” He asks, staring directly at the bloody sink.

“I don’t know, so don’t ask.”

“Okay, well are you ready to go?” His eyes linger on my hand, but soon turns to walk out.

I’m not ready.

I breathe slowly, bandaging my hand until I’ve lost feeling in the tips of my fingers..

_He turned his back on me and the body next to mine, his eyes cold and threatening. Sammy hid behind the counter top and I breathed slowly. We knew this look, we knew what was to come. The hand that held mine gripped tighter and I winced. I didn’t expect this. But what did I expect? Dad was not carefree. He was strict, strong, and in control. Romance and relationships weren’t in his agenda. So why did I assume this one would be? “Dean, I need to speak to you outside.” His voice rang through the house, breaking the silence. And I knew._

_I slipped my fingers from the grasp and dragged myself out the front door. Dad was standing near his car, his eyes closed and his hand on his face, gripping the bridge of his nose. The sun was setting slowly behind him, stars already shining above, but Dad spoke of God. His voice softer than usual; irritated, but soft._

_His words jumped out of his mouth and around my head, causing me to spin. His voice spoke of Angels and Heaven and God, and my lungs burned with the names he threw at me. His voice raising, “I never thought I’d have to explain this to my oldest son. You’re smart, Dean. I thought I raised you better.” He should have punched me instead of talking. He should have left me on the side of the road and never have said these words.  “I thought you were smarter than this.” His words floated through the air and the meaning crashed into my soul. Into my heart. “You will go to hell if you continue on this path.” “You’re no better than those Monsters.” His voice grew louder and angrier. His eyes turned darker and darker._

_I couldn’t breathe._

January 14, 2013 -

“STOP!” I lurch up, and the car swerves.

“Damn it, Dean!” Sam breathes deeply, turning back into the right lane.

“Sorry, Sammy.” I blinked the sunlight out of my eyes and looked around. “Where are we?”

“Almost there.” He pauses. “What’s up?”

“I had a nightmare, thats all.” Sam pulled the car up into the driveway of a small, blue, one story house. Dark blue. My breath grew thin and my nerves worked up again. Sam hesitated before ringing the doorbell, he seemed as nervous as me. But the door opened and he relaxed as he held the brown haired girl.

“Sam, I’ve missed you.” Amelia kissed him on the cheek, noticing me, “I assume this is Dean.” She frowns slightly but covers it up by shaking my hand.

“Yep, that’s me. Big Brother Dean.” I awkwardly joked as she turned to face Sam again, her brown eyes staring into his.

“Why don’t you two come in?” She says, gesturing into her living room.

“I was actually about to head over to Lisa’s, is that okay?”

“Yeah of course, just let me know when you get there.” Sam responds, too eager for me to leave and for him to be alone with Amelia.

“It’s just down the road.” I rolled my eyes, shutting the car door.

I jumped at the soft rock blasting as I started my car. I turned the sound down and flipped through the radio stations, hoping to find something softer, something to calm my nerves. I’d never listen to it with Sam, or anyone for that matter, in the car, but I settled on the soft voice coming from my speakers.

“Come into my mind, don’t touch these walls.”

Warmth spilling into my veins, slowly closing out the cold anxiety I held inside me.

“Gasoline and Kerosene, I mixed it by myself.”

Lisa’s road was around the corner but the voice mixed into my cells.

“With cups from the kitchen, and whiskey on the shelf.”

I drove with ease as cars flashed by, people living simple but complex lives.

“And you are, you’re so damn pretty. The sun and the moon long to be where you are.”

There were people in the trees and people in the grass and they smiled even though I couldn’t.

“And you are so damn pretty. Just wanna be where you are.”

My breath caught in my throat as I pulled into Lisa’s drive, her light gray house blurred from my sudden lack of air. I gasped as I realized I had forgotten to take a breath, wondering if it were nerves, or something else.

Shaking it off, I slammed my door and walked up to her front door, and, slower than I had anticipated, I knocked twice on her door. Ben swung the door open, “Dean!” His face brightened and wrapped his arms around my waist, laying his head flat on my stomach, which tightened. “Hi, Dean, how are you?” His voice becoming serious, and I’ve notices his height has doubled since the last time I’ve seen him. Has it really been that long?

“I’ve been good, buddy, how about yourself?” I smile at him, glancing nervously over his shoulder for Lisa.

“Me too, I’m on the football team,” he said happily, “oh and mom’s in the shower right now, she didn’t think you’d be here for a while.” He let me in and we went to the living room, the house was nice, it smelled like how home use to smell, about a million years ago before things got too crazy and I had to bolt.

“You look like it, you been working out?” I playfully shoved him onto the couch and his laugh shook the cushions.

“I have, it’s been so long since you’ve been here, but I knew you’d be back, I knew I’d see you again.” Ben smiled again, and it lightened my nerves. Ben was like a son to me, which is still a strange feeling. And I felt the room dim as Ben lowered his eyes and leaned closer to me. “Are you going to be my dad again?” His voice quiet and soft.

“I hope so, Ben. But hey, listen to me. Man to man.” I start, sitting down on the couch next to him. “I know I left you and your mom a while ago. And I know I can’t be excused from that. But -”

“Dean, I didn’t think you’d be here so soon.” Her voice broke my thoughts and Ben jumped over to her forgetting the actual conversation we were having with an overly large smile plastered on his still innocent face. Lisa’s hair was soaking wet, sending drips of water down onto her already damp blue shirt, her brown eyes larger than I remember.

“Lisa.” My voice cracked, I was so nervous. But I gripped my nerves and walked over to her, her hand caressing my face, her pupils dilating off and on until settling. I’m sure mine were doing the same, but my heartbeat fast as she leaned her face forward and we were kissing.

It was a small kiss, but it sent my brain into waves. I’ve missed her and I’ve missed Ben, and I’ve missed my calm, monster-less life. I was driven away, but here I am.

“Dean, you had called me and I didn’t know if it was real,” Her voice shaking a little out of nerves, a little out of excitement, “but I listened to you and I waited and now here you are. My love.” She held onto my hand, pulling me back onto the couch, her doe eyes growing larger, the way they used to when she’d get home from work and sit in my lap. When she used to curl up next to me in the middle of the night, waking from the cold, her eyes too big to be real. But they were. They are.

Lisa and Ben sat on either side of me, putting on my old favorite movie, asking me questions about the things I’ve done, telling me about their lives. The good and the bad, everything in between. They left nothing out, so when I started to tell them about my time, I tried to tell them everything. The Demons, the Monsters, the Angels losing their wings. I told them about Castiel saving my life, how he’s something like my guardian Angel. I told them everything except the color Cas’s eyes turn when he’s smiling, or the way he stands a little too close sometimes. I left out the way he laughs when he’s genuinely happy and the way he doesn't understand humans as much as he loves them. I didn't tell them about his messy hair or his strange taste in clothing. My heart begged me to talk about it, but every time I tried my breath caught in my throat and my body would feel too warm, Dad’s voice echoing through my skull.

So I pushed it down.

And I breathed.

**Author's Note:**

> I've never posted a story before, actually this is my first so yeah I hope you like it, my tumblr is gattinosnuggles if you wanna leave any ideas or prompts or whatever, or just comment down below, I dunno. So yeah! Thanks for reading and stuff.


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